Relationships, counselling and loving

The ends of things, of life, is always painful. Pain, and sadness at this pain, is part of being here in the world at all. Grief can be dealt with in personal development workshops.

Relationship is at the centre of the feeling, and is the most powerful way to bring up all our pain from the past. Relationship brings up all the areas where we are shut down or are feeling deficient or hurt. Relationship is a wonderful vehicle for working on our psychological material.

The prime area where people get stuck in relationship is blame.

Blame comes out of wound, it is full of unexpressed pain and anger. It comes out when we see the other as the bad other, the one who doesn’t love properly. It contains all our past grievances against the other, those other people, the bad other who didn’t treat me right. I therefore blame the other for how I don’t feel good in the relationship, and I follow my tendency to look at the other as the problem, making them wrong.

Instead of concentrating single mindedly on the other I can re orient to opening up to where I am , what is going on inside me, and make a relationship with this instead.
This is the place for our moods, our reserve, and our vulnerability. It doesn’t mean that we always sad, but that staying with our grief opens the door to connection.

Shadows: Dry/Stoic.

Not connected to any flow. Out of touch. Lonely. Poor social skills. Excessively shy.

Introverted.

Out of touch with our body, lack of bodily feeling. Out of touch with the earth, with nature, with other people. Without touch, connection. Rigidity of body. Fear of change.
Doesn’t feel it. Emotional numbness ( the approved ideal for public behaviour ). Emptiness, stuck, isolated, resigned, apathetic, pessimistic, and out of touch with own needs. Seeing feeling as an inferior function ( compared to thinking ). Not knowing what our feelings are, or what they mean and not trusting them.

Chronically undercharged, too little energy, depressed, longing to be loved and touched, turns to oral activities for comfort. Wants dependence and merging. As an infant couldn’t provide for her own emotional needs so seeks desperately for energy outside herself for comfort. This focus on the source of energy as being outside herself continues as an adult, and rejection may become her greatest fear.

10_152018Co-dependence. Fixing and fixating on others and exhaustion from constantly giving. Fixation – dependency – rejection – insecurity –clinging – rejection.

Hungry ghosts. Huge ravenous bellies and pinpoint mouths. Loving with attachment, clinging, and expectation. Dependant, needy and clingy. Fixation on oral activities, cooking and eating food, smoking, drinking and excessive talking.

The undernourished child. When as a very small child our body identity is not affirmed through touch we may give up on feelings and replace the body with the mind, with images. Photo ©  | Dreamstime Stock Photos

This gives us a wound where we praise the external life at the expense of the internal and the body and feelings. Children have an innate instinctual expectation to be touched, and when they are touched a feeling of rightness occurs which settles right into the nervous system.

Without this touch we experience a powerful sense of longing to be held, and search beyond ourselves for the missing experience. If this continues we feel intensely disappointed and eventually become numb, resigned, doubtful and suspicious.

Without early touch we have difficulties forming relationships and relating to our body, so we distance ourselves from others, denying our need to closeness. This causes difficulties within us which may be attempts to fill this gap, to find pleasure, to replace an absence in our childhood.

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Sexual Pleasure For Women

Basically this is what the giant turn-on in sex is all about: SEXUAL SURRENDER.

And one of the most important things I’ve learned is that even though most women are ready, willing, and able to respond to the man they love, to surrender sexually to him, there are some women who won’t allow an orgasm to happen. I started to become aware of this from quite a few husbands who wrote me or told me that their wives either won’t let them try the technique, or if they get as far as actually trying it, the women make them stop.

At first this puzzled me, but then in 1991 I received the fourteen-page handwritten letter I mentioned earlier  from a married man who tells about his wife of eighteen years who’d had practically no sexual pleasure in all those eighteen years.

He was sure she was frigid, but after he tried the technique, he found out how “hot” she really was. But he had to make her have an orgasm.

She fought him all the way and actually got angry, but he didn’t allow her to make him stop, he just continued with the technique (he says he sensed he was finally on the right track) as she got angrier and angrier, till she finally erupted with sexual ecstasy beyond anything he’d ever imagined could happen. He says it changed his marriage and it changed his life.

It really got me thinking as I reread the letter over and over again. An orgasm is sexual surrender, and women who control their husbands are afraid of giving up that control, and are therefore unable and unwilling to surrender sexually.

Now, many women are so afraid of losing control that they keep their husbands as little boys. But this makes the wives unable to have an orgasm, because again, an orgasm is sexual surrender, and you don’t surrender to a child, you surrender to someone you look up to and admire, and love.

And of course, some men like to be treated as little boys because this relieves them of any husbandly responsibilities.

And very importantly, if you, her husband, are not a sweet and loving person who lets her know and feel that you really love her, that’s another reason for her to be afraid to surrender sexually

(Note to wives: Once you  start focusing—really focusing—on his penis, the love tide will turn!) It’s much easier for a woman to surrender to her husband when she feels loved and cherished.

The need for control is based on fear, the fear that if they give up the control, they will lose their husbands, but the way to hold a man is through exciting sex (I didn’t say love and I didn’t say sex, I said exciting sex), and never through control.

All a man has to do to get around his wife’s control is to lie to her and sneak around to do whatever he wants. Through exciting sex he’s there because he wants to be.

And where could that fear that so many women have come from? Maybe their mommies or poppies scared them about a lot of things, including sex (fear usually doesn’t come in single packages), or maybe they had terrible relationships with previous males who treated them badly emotionally and/or left them.

There are lots of reasons why people are afraid to trust, but unless you trust, you can’t surrender. This is why one-night stands are so fruitless and in fact so destructive.

You can’t surrender to a stranger who not only is not in love with you, he/she may hurt you, might be a violent person physically or a cruel person emotionally. Either way, it causes pain and further lack of trust.

Also, if a woman is angry at her spouse (either a low-grade constant or a flare-up intermittent), she’ll tense up and you could try for an hour and she won’t respond (she won’t surrender). But when you either make up or find out the reason for the underlying anger and actively work on replacing it with respect, trust, and love, that love will start flowing again and so will her juices.

And if your wife is “cold” and unresponsive, logic tells you that sex is obviously not pleasure-full to her, because if it were, she’d be as “hot” as you are. So it’s up to you to learn how to drive her crazy with desire.

Now a very important part of feeling loved is feeling your man will not cheat on you, feeling he loves you as much as you love him, that he will always be faithful ….

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Love, sex and relationships!

And every single day I feel more and more loved, and more and more lovable, and this automatically makes me a more loving person.

Feeling loved makes you realize the goodness within yourself, and that goodness is your REAL SELF, or my GIANT SELF, as I call the goodness within me.

Feeling loved makes you feel your oneness with the universe.
And feeling loved in your marriage makes you feel your oneness with your spouse.

Now, a very important part of marriage that many men are not aware of (and not many women are either) is that if a woman doesn’t respect her husband, doesn’t look up to him as a strong person (weak is what she doesn’t want) who warrants respect, she won’t have an orgasm through his efforts.

This is very important to know and understand, because if she feels all respect for him is gone, if she feels he’s not capable of taking charge of her body (not her life, not her money, but her body sexually, she will either look around for a man who turns her on (and to be “turned on” a woman must have respect for that man), or she will close up physically and emotionally and be grateful she doesn’t have to have sex anymore.

She’s at the point where she doesn’t want an orgasm, but the truth is she won’t allow herself to have an orgasm because an orgasm is sexual surrender, and she doesn’t want to surrender to this weak man for whom she has little or no respect. Inner strength is very sexy.

How do you command respect from a woman who no longer feels that you’re worthy of it, who feels you’re too weak to take charge of anything? You obviously can’t force it, but you can slowly coax it from her.

Respect can start in the bedroom. If you don’t make much money, you’re not a titan of industry, you drive a beat-up old car, never mind. All you need is the attitude of take charge, the letting her know that you sexually are stronger than she is.

If you learn how to drive her crazy in bed and make her have an orgasm every time you have intercourse, you will have love like you’ve never had before. Trust me, she will respect the fact  that you are no longer tentative, that you are now in charge of her body (and as you hopefully already know, she’s in charge of your body).

A totally sexually satisfied woman will do anything for her man, and you’ll soon find out how much she’ll do once you’ve given her this total pleasure.

Why would she lose the respect for you in the first place? She probably romantically fantasized when you met and got married that you were a strong person who would take care of her in all areas.

emember, inner strength is sexy. Even if she was more successful than you at that time, she still wanted a man who would be able to take care of her if necessary (all women in love, subconsciously or consciously, want this).

Maybe you’re basically a more passive type of person than she, and maybe you’ve had business reverses and you both fight now about finances—whatever it is, the respect she had for you (and whatever inner strength she thought you had) at the beginning is gone. It’s now up to you, her husband, to learn how to play the game of sex.
Love should never be a game … Sex should always be a game …

Lovingness

The games people play in LOVE can be very destructive—she flirts with another guy and her husband gets jealous. He makes goo-goo eyes with the hostess at the party and his woman gets crazy with insecurity. Games like that are not fun, ever!

Love should bring security and warmth and a feeling of togetherness and the fun of compatibility, not the fear and jealousy that come from flirting games.

Sex, on the other hand, should be fun from the start. Two people who love each other can drive each other wild with desire by playing the “teasing game” because it’s so important to great sex.

I keep coming back to teasing. I was the very first one who came out with it in 1982 with this marriage manual, because it’s the bottom-line answer to the greatest physical pleasure you can have.

Start getting your mate excited, and then stop for a minute. Restart and get her even more excited, and stop again.

Now there isn’t a doubt who’s in charge, is there?

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