The ends of things, of life, is always painful. Pain, and sadness at this pain, is part of being here in the world at all. Grief can be dealt with in personal development workshops.
Relationship is at the centre of the feeling, and is the most powerful way to bring up all our pain from the past. Relationship brings up all the areas where we are shut down or are feeling deficient or hurt. Relationship is a wonderful vehicle for working on our psychological material.
The prime area where people get stuck in relationship is blame.
Blame comes out of wound, it is full of unexpressed pain and anger. It comes out when we see the other as the bad other, the one who doesn’t love properly. It contains all our past grievances against the other, those other people, the bad other who didn’t treat me right. I therefore blame the other for how I don’t feel good in the relationship, and I follow my tendency to look at the other as the problem, making them wrong.
Instead of concentrating single mindedly on the other I can re orient to opening up to where I am , what is going on inside me, and make a relationship with this instead.
This is the place for our moods, our reserve, and our vulnerability. It doesn’t mean that we always sad, but that staying with our grief opens the door to connection.
Not connected to any flow. Out of touch. Lonely. Poor social skills. Excessively shy.
Out of touch with our body, lack of bodily feeling. Out of touch with the earth, with nature, with other people. Without touch, connection. Rigidity of body. Fear of change.
Doesn’t feel it. Emotional numbness ( the approved ideal for public behaviour ). Emptiness, stuck, isolated, resigned, apathetic, pessimistic, and out of touch with own needs. Seeing feeling as an inferior function ( compared to thinking ). Not knowing what our feelings are, or what they mean and not trusting them.
Chronically undercharged, too little energy, depressed, longing to be loved and touched, turns to oral activities for comfort. Wants dependence and merging. As an infant couldn’t provide for her own emotional needs so seeks desperately for energy outside herself for comfort. This focus on the source of energy as being outside herself continues as an adult, and rejection may become her greatest fear.
Hungry ghosts. Huge ravenous bellies and pinpoint mouths. Loving with attachment, clinging, and expectation. Dependant, needy and clingy. Fixation on oral activities, cooking and eating food, smoking, drinking and excessive talking.
The undernourished child. When as a very small child our body identity is not affirmed through touch we may give up on feelings and replace the body with the mind, with images. Photo © Abdone | Dreamstime Stock Photos
This gives us a wound where we praise the external life at the expense of the internal and the body and feelings. Children have an innate instinctual expectation to be touched, and when they are touched a feeling of rightness occurs which settles right into the nervous system.
Without this touch we experience a powerful sense of longing to be held, and search beyond ourselves for the missing experience. If this continues we feel intensely disappointed and eventually become numb, resigned, doubtful and suspicious.
Without early touch we have difficulties forming relationships and relating to our body, so we distance ourselves from others, denying our need to closeness. This causes difficulties within us which may be attempts to fill this gap, to find pleasure, to replace an absence in our childhood.